how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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