now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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