I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize