I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
