you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
