am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
