I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
