Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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