The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
