He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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