did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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