Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
