She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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