i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
