i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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