how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
