My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
