I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
