The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
