my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You ruined the universe
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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