...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
