well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
