If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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