sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
