omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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