How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
