why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
