My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
