Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
