No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Randomize
