Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
