i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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