saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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