She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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