Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
