Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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