You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
