I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
