Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
