If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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