she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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