Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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