Princesses don't give blow jobs
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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