I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
