dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
