She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
