It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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