I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
