I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
