Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
